Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

My last name is Zilla.

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

My birthstone is a marshmallow

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog