Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

this is 10/10 content no notes

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.