Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum