Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.