me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
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When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.