me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
You Might Also Like
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]