Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.