me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: πππ
You Might Also Like
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, donβt just say βCall me back.β Tell me what itβs in regards to so I can prepare my defense
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Iβm a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now Iβm gonna be up all night worrying
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it βresearchβ instead of stalking.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, βDaddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!β
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
the official breakfast of 2021
