Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Haha! 😂
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”