Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

“We will wed,” I threatened

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.