Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
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men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.