Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope