Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?

Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?

Manager:

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.