Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?