me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
The USS B port
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
People buying plungers never look happy.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.