me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
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me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄