My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
best first i’ve ever seen
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Brilliant!
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Please do it!
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?