Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
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HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Liquor Store Parking
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog