Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)