Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
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If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.