The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
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8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all