Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re