Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

Cool shirt 🙂

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.