Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
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Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis