Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.