Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star

Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.