Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

That stupid look on my face, is my face

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.