Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.