Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

for all #parents out there

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)