Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
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[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
tag yourself
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode