Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”