Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!