me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
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WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
You learn something every day
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
LMAO
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
When you kidnap a writer.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Me checking my bank balance online.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out