me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
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Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
bears
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
saw this in a dream
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.