me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
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*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
his wife is probably gonna see that
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.