Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

Shark week, but for squirrels.

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one