me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
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Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.