me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
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The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
how long have you had this for?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.