me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
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Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
There are no pants in heaven.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”