Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

Not today, today.
Not today.

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you