Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?