Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.