Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
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The smoothest fall of all time
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Reminds me of when I was young and the landscaper used to let me run bare feet over the freshly cut grass. Those days are lawn gone.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ