Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

i’m gonna allow it

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

“I FIXED IT!”

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates