Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”

Going to work bro it’s Wednesday

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects