Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash

date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.