Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
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*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips