Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

whatcha thinkin bout

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets