[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
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Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?