[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
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me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
That was easy.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”