Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

ㅤ

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

dam girl

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

Grew big

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.