Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.