Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same