Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

neighborhood watch

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

Basically, any European coat of arms:

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?