Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
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Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.