Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

tis the season

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.