Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
You Might Also Like
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I’d use my best pan on you.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?