Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
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4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.