Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
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Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Spa day..😅
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
saw this in a dream
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing