Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

Saw your ex at the shops

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

Me when my alarm goes off

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.