Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
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*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.