Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

Barbie gone wild

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now