Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength

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Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?


Cop: Tell us what you know!

Me: Penguins are monogamous creatures with noted cases of bisexuality

Cop: *typing up his science report*


everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013


*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song


HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star


There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!


*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*


People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old


I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.