Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
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Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Just had my nails done!
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Always the camel, never the toe.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER: