ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
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My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*