me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
me doing my best
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
