me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
aesthetic
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Always a housemaid, never a house.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
