me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
giddy up Office Depot
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
