“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
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[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN