Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’