Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”