Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

Bring back the McRib

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

#MeanwhileinCanada

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.