Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
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Expectations vs. Reality
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I’ve been lied to my entire life
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Me sliding into hell like
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing