Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
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People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Welcome to Twitter, this is the most fun you can have on the toilet.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.