Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
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Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures