Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.