Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
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I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Who wants to be my Valentine?
he chose this
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Did my cat write this
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!