Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
You Might Also Like
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
It’s called the Alarmadillo
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Prune: bro, lol
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
[makes eye contact with someone through crack in bathroom stall] hey
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
me: will you punch a house
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident!
[puts scarf on snowman]
Girl: to keep u warm
Snowman: I am made of snow.
G: omg you’re alive!
S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid