Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

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[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.


[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo


Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol


Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.


“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out


me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house


Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down


Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident!

Me: *you’re


[puts scarf on snowman]
Girl: to keep u warm
Snowman: I am made of snow.
G: omg you’re alive!
S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid