Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
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*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
everyone has that one prude friend
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Still laughing at this stupid meme
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”