Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

so i’m at the stock market right

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

THE DOG😭😭💀

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.