Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?