Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

Auto correct is my worst enema.

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut