Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.