Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
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[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*