Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?