Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
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Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity